Having 8 kids has taught me a lot about the best ways to help an angry child. Yes, the child is responsible for their own anger, but what if the problem could actually be coming from you?
This post contains affiliate links, which means I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.
These 5 steps to help an angry child are simple but not easy…
- Identify the ways you have sinned against your child
- Confess these sins to God
- Ask your child’s forgiveness
- Develop a plan
- Consider ways you can stir your child up to love and good works
Hope and help for parents of angry children
I am currently in a strange stage of parenting. My oldest is 18 and recently married and my little guy is 5. Our friends have babies and toddler and so I am often reminded of the parenting things I no longer do.
I no longer have any diapers to change.
I don’t have any tiny babies to nurse and snuggle to sleep.
There are no toddlers asking me for a “nack” every 10 minutes.
My kids are old enough to sit with self control in a restaurant, in their own chairs.
I have mixed feelings about these things. While I do miss the days of all my little duckies following me around everywhere I go, and the days of being so tired of changing diapers, the season we are in now is wonderful.
Most people who know my kids would be surprised to find out that a few of them really struggled with anger. I know that everyone does, but some stuggle more loudly than others.
When my oldest son was just a little guy, he was so angry. Since this was something new for us, I was at a loss as to what to do. There were 2 books I read that really changed the way I treated him and the way I corrected him. You see, God showed me that not only did my son have an anger problem… his momma did too.
Fast forward 10 years and you’ll find a young man who still battles his anger. Yet, he is quick to repent, humble when confronted and much slower to anger than before. He is respectful and kind and seeks to honor God in his life. Praise God for his kind work in our lives, for without Him, we would be lost.
One of my favorites
The first book I read taught me to treat my son as a person. He was not a problem, inconvenience or burden. He was a tiny human with an eternal soul who would one day grow to man. God made him male, which is not the same as a female, and therefor he needed to be treated differently than my daughter.
As a boy who would grow to be a man, he needed to be shown what it was like to be treated with respect and love. Now, this doesn’t mean that he became the boss and got everything he wanted. Rather, it meant that the way I viewed him changed. He became a blessing from God that I was given the privilege of training, to bring him up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
If you are gonna choose one, its gotta be this one!
The second book I read, which I would still recommend today, is called “The Heart of Anger” by Lou Priolo (get it here!). The book says on the cover that it is a -Practical help for the prevention and cure of anger in children.
I would have to add… and their parents.
God used this book to convict me of my own sinful anger. The 2nd chapter lists 25 ways that parents provoke their children to anger. That chapter was so tough to get through.
Not only does Lou list the ways we provoke our children to anger, but he also gives us the characteristics and attitudes we should put on in place of our anger.
Number 4 on the list is habitually discipling while angry. I was guilty of this. Instead of correcting my child with patience and love, with the goal of restoring their relationship with God, I was disciplining him in anger and frustration, because I was embarrassed or inconvenienced.
Of all the ways I learned to help an angry child during this season of life, the most important was to confess to and ask forgiveness from my kids when I had sinned against them
I Lou’s book, he shares 5 steps to repenting from provoking children to anger. Really, these steps can apply to any sin, in any situation.
I want to add here that I am just giving an overview of the information found in the book. If you want to learn more, make sure you read The Heart of Anger. It really is life changing.
Step #1: Identify the ways you have sinned against your child
How have you provoked your child to anger? Be specific. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instructions of the Lord.”
We are commanded to not provoke our children to the point of anger. This could be done by teasing them, name calling, bullying, having too high of expectations, etc.
Step #2: Confess these sins to God
1 John 1:9 tells us that when we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sin. God is our ultimate authority. The 6th commandment is to not murder.
Jesus talked about this in Matthew 5:21-22 when he said, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.”
Jesus is saying, if you are angry at someone, you are murdering them in your heart and you are liable to the fire of hell.
This is why we confess these sins to God first, asking him for forgiveness. Because he is Creator of everything, he is the ultimate standard. We we are sinfully angry, we sin first and foremost against God.
Step #3: Ask your child’s forgiveness for your sins against him/her
This may be the most important thing you can do to help your angry child.
When you go to your child to seek their forgiveness, be specific. Call the sin what it is. Use biblical terms. It may sound like this…
“Son, I’m sorry that I spoke in a harsh voice to you. I was angry and Jesus says that anger is murder in my heart.”
After this, you will want to identify what biblical behavior you can demonstrate in place of your angry.
“Next time I am angry, I will speak in a kind and patient voice.”
Then ask for forgiveness.
“Could you please forgive me for being angry and speaking harshly to you?”
Make sure to follow up with lots of hugs and kisses, then move on with your day.
Step #4: Develop a plan
Make a plan for next time. Instead of reacting in anger, what biblical alternative are you going to use?
Gently answer instead of harsh words (Proverbs 15:1)
Private correction instead of correcting in front of others, etc.
Step #5: Think of ways you can provoke your child to love and good works
Hebrews 10:24 says, “And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works.”
Praise and encourage them often. Be on the look out for ways you can praise them. When you notice them waiting patiently, acknowledge them!
“Son, I’m so proud of you for waiting patiently! You are doing such a good job being patient.”
These things may seem small but they will make a huge impact on your relationship with your children and grandchildren (if you have them).
Be encouraged friends! It is never too late to begin helping your angry child. God is in the business of changing people. Rely on the grace and strength that only he can supply, be faithful to the Lord and trust Him for the outcome.
This post contains affiliate links, which means I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.
Get your copy of “The Heart of Anger” here!
Other amazing parenting books to check out are
- Shepherding a Child’s Heart
- Don’t Make Me Count to Three
- I Can’t Believe You Just Said That!
- The Faithful Parent
Interested in some meal inspiration? Check out these 4 simple dinner ideas your family will love!
Leave a Reply